Sunday, July 10, 2011

Finally sense amongst the chaos.

As I process Saturday, and all it involved I think I finally have worked out why I have struggled this round.

It's a story - I'm sorry. Grab a cuppa and settle in.

Rd three of 12wbt last year was awesome. No one knew who I was. I was anonymous. I did what I had to do and got great results. I was on top of the world.

Then between rd three (which ended in December) and rd one this year we had quite the break. I found it so empowering. I had to work it out for myself. Apply Mish's lessons. I had twitter and facebook support, but it was all about me. That was when I really felt I began to shine. I started to blog. I put my heart on a plate. I lost a further 5kg. I challenged my brain to be quiet and let me run. I became a runner. I felt on top of the world.

It was truly, and simply all about me.

Round 1 this year came about. I had success, but not the success I dreamed of. I lost weight, I ran, I blogged ... but my heart wasn't there. Something wasn't right.

And then I went to Melbourne. People recognised me (crazy hey! I'm just a country town girl who writes a bit!). They called me an inspiration. But I felt like a fraud. I had let my intensity drop off. I wasn't getting the results others were. I wasn't hitting the goals they were. I wasn't an inspiration in my mind. In the middle of the party I just wanted to slink away.
I will forever be grateful for Donna, Lisa, Rell, Lynda, Leander ... oh so many of you ... those of you who DIDN'T let me slink away. You welcomed me with opened arms and I got through that party because of you.

I pushed my way through advanced. But honestly - I still felt like a fraud. I didn't feel good enough. My pushups were too weak. My core wasn't strong enough. I slowed people down.

No where in my head was I truly thinking "YOU did advanced and you didn't die! YOU ARE AWESOME". All I could see was what my brain was putting in my head. I was seeing the faults and the way I had let you down. I wasn't being the inspiration I was told I was and I felt like I had failed.

Bring on round two.

Anyone who knows me knows I have struggled and fought this round.
My head hasn't been there.
The world has thrown curve balls at me over and over again.
I said I couldn't set goals.
I was mad at myself because I couldn't make myself dream big enough.

Now I get it.
I wasn't setting goals for me ... goals that made me feel alive and free.
I was trying to set other people's goals.

Pushups on toes ? Great goal - I'll get there ... but in my heart it means nothing to me right now.
Chinups unassisted - yes one day I will rock that. But why did I set it as a goal for now? I have no motivation or desire right now to achieve that. I just thought I should set it cause it was an awesome goal for others so maybe it was right for me.

Those who have been through an emazon course will understand that it was the blue me thinking these things. I let my perceived expectations of my 12wbt family, friends, online buddies, my pt, colour MY GOALS.
I was thinking with my blue self. Too much with my brain. I wasn't letting my heart and soul set goals that made me free!

And that is why I have struggled. My goals, my plan, the walk I am taking - has not been for my true self. It has been for where I percieve others will see me as a success.

If my goals *for now* aren't as big as others.. why does it matter.
As long as I am getting fitter, and stronger and healthier and feeling FREE, coming closer to my true self ... then I am on the road I should be.

So with four weeks to go this round I am going to stop and pause for a while.
I've been thinking and I finally think I know what the real ME inside wants to do.

I'm going to reset my goals, forget about the numbers, and put in place the actions that come closest to bringing me joy and freedom!

I'll blog about it later today.

It's not big. It's not intense. It's easy in fact.

I think I've worked it out. There are two things the real me wants.

Inspiring or not? I don't really care. These are for me. Goals that make me smile.

Bringing the real me through

1 comment:

  1. Hi Kath,
    If it helps any, I think those who lose a significant amount of weight, myself included, go through more than the JFDI and smashing it goals etc etc. IT's also about an internal shift. DOn't let it scare you - embrace the changes.
    As a reader of your blog, I have been excited for you for the changes you've made but have no expectations on you for what is next. As I've been on an amazing journey and continue it, all I can offer you is quiet support (oh and the opportunity to try RPM :) )

    Liz N