Learning to STAND again - but on my own two feet this time

As we speak in Brisbane the STAND convention with Emazon is kicking off.
Those who know me, know how much I respect this woman - and by any account you would think I would be there. I mean the atmosphere will be electric and there is so much to learn.

But every time I went to book - it never felt right.

And today - finally I got clarity. I know why.

This time. Once and for all I need to STAND- but I need to STAND on my own.
I need to trust in my body, my wisdom, my spirit, my strength.
I need to learn my lessons on my own.

Right now is not the time for a teacher. One day that will come again.

Right now is the time to trust ME enough.
To remove my safety nets.

And to let myself fly.

I thought I would be sad about not attending the convention.

But I feel free.

This week I have left my PT.
I am leaving my gym.
I am not attending STAND.

But in no way does this mean I am giving up on me.

Instead. I am believing in me.

I am removing the safety nets, and for this period at least I am trusting me to do what I need to to STAND.

Enjoy this weekend girls - embrace it.

I will be with you. My red wings are spread wide.

Laying it on the line

This is me now.

Tired. Sleep deprived (well that is normal - I have an 8mth old!) Unfit. And wait for it ... 30kg over my pre preg weight.

Yes.

I ate my way through all day morning sickness - morning sickness till the day I gave birth.

I ate my way through the early days.

And now I eat if I'm happy, tired, cranky , frustrated - not to mention all those mummy and baby coffee shop catch ups!

But the biggest thing is I don't feel like me and I don't feel happy.

I feel trapped and tired ... the two things I know that taking  control of my life will fix.

And so I am . I'm saying it out loud cause I've pretended to long things are ok.

And they aren't.

It's time I felt like me again.

I'm signing up for rd 2 of 12wbt. Not because I believe it is the be all and end all and only way I can lose weight.

But because it is an excellent tool for a time poor me.

My menus and workouts are there and waiting. And even better this round, I can swap things around on the menu and it will personalise my shopping list just for me!

See me hanging around the learn to run program. That 5k is my biggest goal this round!

And the mums and bubs forum of course.

In the meantime , I am making time for me, eating better, and walking to build up some strength.

And fighterbabe loves our walks too xx

Bless xx

The courage to start ... again.

Fighter babe is 8 months!
She is a living breathing gorgeous miracle!

It's pretty much safe to say that we adore her! She is very very loved.

What I do not love is how I am feeling.
Pregnancy and early motherhood meant I did not put myself first, second or third in life.
I have gone back to barely exercising and eating crap.

And there are no excuses.

I've put on weight. Lots of weight.
I couldn't run if I tried.
My health , my life, everything feels out of wack.

And for many months starting again has felt too hard.

But you want to know something ...

more and more each day I know I am ready to feel alive again.

It will be harder. Working around a baby is tough. Working around a baby and Miss 7 is tougher.
And I don't have the benefit of a fitness base to help me.

It will take longer.

But it will be done.

It takes courage to start. And it definitely takes courage to start again.

Today I am starting at the beginning. Preseason tasks.
 What are my excuses. There are a lot.

But you know why I know I have the courage to do this again??
Because in the shocking news from Boston today - my heart aches for them because even now - I feel part of that running community.
I remember the ultimate HIGH from finishing a race. I remember the comradeship I felt along the course.

I hear stories today about how runners who were safe from the explosion ran INTO the bomb zone to help others.
I hear stories of how runners ran to the nearest red cross to give blood.

If they can have courage to go on when an event many of them have dreamt all their lives of running is attacked ... well I can say no to the cake and start again.

My prayers are with Boston. Have courage my friends.

Decisions decisions

I find myself wanting to blog again.

But I have changed.

In many ways I am still the same.

I am back with weight a plenty to lose :( But I know I will do it.

But in other ways I am so different.

I want to blog about more than weight loss and exercise though.

To start a new blog ... or to change streams here mid blog??

Decisions decisions ...