Stand your ground 2.

Yesterday I took a powerful step forward in my journey.

Yesterday I shared a space with an amazing group of women, and Emma of Emazon Chronicles.

Yesterday I attended Stand your ground 2.

For those of you reading because you want to know more about Emazon, what happens, and what I thought of it - I am sorry. This is an experience you can't blog. Some things I may write about later, as they unfold, and as they apply to my life at the time ... but I cannot tell you about this. You need to experience it, on your level, as you are ready to at the time.

I can tell you this. It was a whole world apart from what I experienced in Stand your ground 1. Stand your ground 1 came at a time of hurt for me. I had been using this hurt as a way of avoiding taking tough steps and being strong. I was using family illnesses, and life happenings and avoiding doing what needed to be done in my life and my training.

Just under a week before stand your ground 1 life jumped in and forced me to be tough. I was not given a choice. I had to be strong for another, at one of the most tragic times of her life. That night I was forced to be mentally, physically and emotionally tough. It stripped me raw, but showed me who I could be.

Stand your ground one came later that week. It was the first time in months I was strong because I chose to be. Not because life forced me to be.

It was overwhelming. It stripped me raw.

This photo was taken that day. In it, I see a whole world of hurt unleashed. It is a photo that scares me - but symbolises that day for me. I was releasing the hurt, and deciding, no matter what life threw at me I was strong, and I was taking control.

It was when I began to Stand my ground.

Yesterday no photos were taken during the group session.
Just the one at the end.
And although no photos were taken, I don't think you would have seen that look on my face yesterday.

Yesterday I realised how far my journey has come in a few short months.
I know the steps I have been taking are the right ones.
I know that the way I perceive myself, and the way I measure my success have changed forever.
I am not, and never will be measured by a number.

Yesterday I felt strong.
I felt focussed.
I was working on my terms, in my time.
Emma had the lessons, but my learning ... it was up to me.

If a photo was taken yesterday I feel it would have shown REAL strength. Focus. Determination. Pride. And knowing.
Knowing that this is my path, and it is as it should be.

Yesterday was a gift.
I came home with bruises on my knuckles, and my heart singing.

Last night ... last night my body told me to sleep ... and I did. Solidly and soundly.
My mind needed time to solidify all I had learned, and confirmed yesterday.

Today - today I know longer feel like singing and dancing.
Today I woke with a peace. I woke feeling grounded. I woke feeling strong.
I woke feeling I know my way forward, and I am not going back.

Emma - you helped me realise a gift.
Thank you.

Good bye brain. It's time to train ...

What is it in training that I had back then ... that I am missing now.

Why is it that a few short months ago I couldn't wait to train ... and now I've hit struggle street?

Why is my heart and mind not in it?

And what do I need to do to get that fight back?

I've been doing some thinking. Actually, I haven't stopped thinking since the "Stand your Ground" workshop.

There is something about that girl that gets in my head and keeps digging away at me until I take time to really pull it apart and find what it means to me.

Do you know what I've come to realise??

I've let me stinking brain get in the way of doing what I love.

That's it. Simple.

Instead of training, I've thought about training. I've thought about why I can't. Why I'm busy. Why other stuff needs to happen first.

I've thought about why my training isn't good enough. That I should be doing more. That my technique isn't strong enough. My core is too weak. That others are doing more than me.

I've thought about my running. That I should be doing it without music. Going faster. Doing more hills. Running further.

I've thought that I should be doing more weights. Doing more classes. Doing less classes. Doing more body weight work. Attending more Brisbane events. Starting events close to home.

I've thought and thought and compared until it wasn't fun anymore.

Ask anyone. Ask my mum. Ask my husband. I'm an overthinker from way back. I will take a problem and have to talk it over a million times, first in my head, and then with those around until I've done that problem to death.

Instead I need to not think. Just do.

Michelle calls this analysis by paralysis. How true is this. All this time worrying when should have been training.

Emma from Emazon says it is letting yourself be ruled by your brain, not your mind. By your blue self with all the hurts and worries of the world, instead of your heart, soul, mind ... your true red self.

So I'm over the thinking. I know what I have to do. I have to train.

Six days a week I train. And one day a week I MUST rest. My body needs that too.

This time - I am training, not thinking. If it isn't perfect, if I change things around, if it is more or less than someone else ... I train. It doesn't matter. Train. Find what my heart wants to do. Get into that sacred space. And train.

Training gets results. Thinking ... bah ... thinking causes trouble.

The line has been drawn.

I am training. I am going to do the things I love - the things that make me feel free.

I know they won't be perfect. I don't really care. I want to feel strong and I will.

Training to be free.

Finally sense amongst the chaos.

As I process Saturday, and all it involved I think I finally have worked out why I have struggled this round.

It's a story - I'm sorry. Grab a cuppa and settle in.

Rd three of 12wbt last year was awesome. No one knew who I was. I was anonymous. I did what I had to do and got great results. I was on top of the world.

Then between rd three (which ended in December) and rd one this year we had quite the break. I found it so empowering. I had to work it out for myself. Apply Mish's lessons. I had twitter and facebook support, but it was all about me. That was when I really felt I began to shine. I started to blog. I put my heart on a plate. I lost a further 5kg. I challenged my brain to be quiet and let me run. I became a runner. I felt on top of the world.

It was truly, and simply all about me.

Round 1 this year came about. I had success, but not the success I dreamed of. I lost weight, I ran, I blogged ... but my heart wasn't there. Something wasn't right.

And then I went to Melbourne. People recognised me (crazy hey! I'm just a country town girl who writes a bit!). They called me an inspiration. But I felt like a fraud. I had let my intensity drop off. I wasn't getting the results others were. I wasn't hitting the goals they were. I wasn't an inspiration in my mind. In the middle of the party I just wanted to slink away.
I will forever be grateful for Donna, Lisa, Rell, Lynda, Leander ... oh so many of you ... those of you who DIDN'T let me slink away. You welcomed me with opened arms and I got through that party because of you.

I pushed my way through advanced. But honestly - I still felt like a fraud. I didn't feel good enough. My pushups were too weak. My core wasn't strong enough. I slowed people down.

No where in my head was I truly thinking "YOU did advanced and you didn't die! YOU ARE AWESOME". All I could see was what my brain was putting in my head. I was seeing the faults and the way I had let you down. I wasn't being the inspiration I was told I was and I felt like I had failed.


Bring on round two.

Anyone who knows me knows I have struggled and fought this round.
My head hasn't been there.
The world has thrown curve balls at me over and over again.
I said I couldn't set goals.
I was mad at myself because I couldn't make myself dream big enough.

Now I get it.
I wasn't setting goals for me ... goals that made me feel alive and free.
I was trying to set other people's goals.

Pushups on toes ? Great goal - I'll get there ... but in my heart it means nothing to me right now.
Chinups unassisted - yes one day I will rock that. But why did I set it as a goal for now? I have no motivation or desire right now to achieve that. I just thought I should set it cause it was an awesome goal for others so maybe it was right for me.

Those who have been through an emazon course will understand that it was the blue me thinking these things. I let my perceived expectations of my 12wbt family, friends, online buddies, my pt, colour MY GOALS.
I was thinking with my blue self. Too much with my brain. I wasn't letting my heart and soul set goals that made me free!

And that is why I have struggled. My goals, my plan, the walk I am taking - has not been for my true self. It has been for where I percieve others will see me as a success.

If my goals *for now* aren't as big as others.. why does it matter.
As long as I am getting fitter, and stronger and healthier and feeling FREE, coming closer to my true self ... then I am on the road I should be.

So with four weeks to go this round I am going to stop and pause for a while.
I've been thinking and I finally think I know what the real ME inside wants to do.

I'm going to reset my goals, forget about the numbers, and put in place the actions that come closest to bringing me joy and freedom!

I'll blog about it later today.

It's not big. It's not intense. It's easy in fact.

I think I've worked it out. There are two things the real me wants.

Inspiring or not? I don't really care. These are for me. Goals that make me smile.

Bringing the real me through

Your training place is a sacred space

Take home from emazon ... #1

On saturday these words resounded with me. "your training space is a sacred place". We were told it is the one place in the world where we can truly be our true self. Where we can be us, let it all out, the only place without consequences.

When i heard those words i knew there was a message in that just for me.

To begin with ... it made me sad. I wanted a place like that. Not my gym. It serves a purpose but it doesn't feel that way to me. I felt I needed to create a physical space. A training place.

But as the thoughts have unfolded, and I've spoken to others, the realisation has dawned.

That training place, that sacred space, does not need to be a boxing gym, a gym, a dojang, a park, a physically defined area.

That training place - that sacred place, is us. It is the state of mind we create, before we even commence our training. When we go to train, whether we run, lift weights, hit stuff, do classes ... are we going in with the weight of the world on our shoulders? Are we going in worrying about all those things we cannot change? What do people think of us? Are we dressed right? Do we look funny? What happened at work today?

Or are we commencing training with the thought that this time, this time is for us? This is our time to be strong. This is our time to feel free. This is the time to test us. To let our bodies offload all the physical stress we are carrying and to let our mind be free of the encumbrances of the world.

Our training space IS a sacred place. But we can carry that wherever we are.

Today when you train, before you begin stop and breathe. This is your time. This is about you.

Stop and focus. Are you going to let the worries of the world intrude? Or for one hour today are you going to let yourself focus on nothing more than yur training, your breathing, your body...

For one hour is your heart today going to be free?

Photos courtesy of Red coconut photography! They are awesome! check them out!


http://www.facebook.com/pages/Red-Coconut-Photography/184354674944264

Emazon

Yesterday i went with the 12wbt girls to a stand your ground session run by Emazon.

Im going to be honest. I am still processing it.

It had some big lessons in it. But i still need to think about them more.

It was about empowerment.
It was about me.
It wasnt just about weight loss, or training or self defence.

It was awesome.

I really think god had put that course in my path so i would be aching for it after my horrid week that was.

I needed to be there.

I will blog more as it opens up to me.

Oh but in the meantime...

It felt good to hit stuff. And hit it hard. Apparently i have a punch on me ;)